Something Bitchy

We Interrupt This Program....

2008-04-01T09:00:00.002-04:00

...to bring you the following public service announcement:

Do you own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher but can't afford shoes? Do you have more wives than teeth? If so, you may be suffering from Jihadawhoseyomama. A common, yet rarely rational, condition that afflicts the mental capacity of thousands of victims each day.
Don't linger in uncertainty, find out for sure today! By answering a few simple questions, you can quickly discover whether or not you, too, may be suffering from the torment of Jihadawhoseyomama:

Do you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon to be "unclean"?

Do you consider children a viable delivery system for suicide bombs yet vehemently believe that being in the general vicinity of alchohol is immoral?

Do you routinely carrry explosives in your clothing, but feel television is too dangerous for the common man?

Are you aware that vests come in something other than "bulletproof" and "suicide" styles?

After receiving an actual call, were you amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs?

If you answered "Yes" to any, or all, of these questions, you may have been infected by Jihadawhoseyomama. But now, with the help of Congressionally authorized action, you can put an end to your suffering. Help can be found at the nearest Marine Corps or Army location. A simple, unannounced visit is all you need. Just pick up your AK-47, rush it to any coalition checkpoint (barrel pointed forward) and decry your need for help by shouting, "Allahu akbar!" There highly-trained men and women will ensure you receive immediate treatment for your affliction. And, as an added bonus, if you *call* now, your treatment will also include backstage passes to meet Allah and the 72 Raisins!
So why suffer a moment longer? Help is a mad dash away. Bring your gun, your rocket launcher, your unlocked cell phone and join the thousands who have found relief in this proven treatment plan. A cure awaits YOU today!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.................

Of Big Fences and Good Neighbors

2008-02-01T08:45:00.000-05:00

Illegal Immigration into Canada
Manitoba Herald, November 18, 2007

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. It appears that the actions of President Bush are prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I told him I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives at home. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," a Canadian border agent said. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many Comparative Literature majors does one country need?"

You Be The Judge

2008-01-08T15:54:00.000-05:00

Can the Frilly Panties of Oppression ride seamlessly on today's Vaginal American?

Or will wadded white weave wend where William would not?

Caption contest results!

2008-01-08T13:40:00.000-05:00

In accordance with the time frames for caption contest judging, as depicted by the teachings of my mentor, the Blog Princess, and having now waited the requisite *true and fair* time allotment for entries into our inaugural caption contest, and after having weighed the varied entries for this picture:

So, cutting to the chase and without further ado, for her inspired entry, we award first place to ....*brrinnnngg!*...(Huh? Oh, well, no, I'm about to announce that Cassandra won........Oh. Well. Yeah, your's was okay, but come on, hers was pretty good.........Wha....?.....Pay?....Wellll, now, how much we talkin' here? That's all!? Why'd you bother callin'? Huh? Oh. Well. Now we're dealin'...........double that and we got us a deal........)

*drum roll*

Leona Heelsly!

*cymbal crash*

Congrats, Leona. As the winner, you are awarded one snark-free day. (cue theme music) Which, btw, began at midnight this morning. (roll credits and legal CYA announcement) Join us next time when we play "Caption This!", and you, too, could win a snark-free day.

Christmas Gift Ideas

2007-11-29T01:21:00.000-05:00

Are you a recent lottery winner with money to burn? Perhaps you're a major political contributor with ~~money to launder~~ a personal agenda and a particular love of donkeys. Are you looking for that perfect ~~bribe~~ gift for those highly-placed friends on your Christmas list? Well, look no more! Presenting the perfect Christmas Wish List for the bathroom that doesn't have everything and those whom fate has chosen as the living example of a fool and his money coming together:

For the "carbon-neutral" newlyweds:

(Consider this a "must-have" for that carbon-neutral, Goracle-worshipping cousin on your list.)

Environmentalism has never been so intimate as with the TwoDaLoo, billed as the world's first simultaneous-flush two-seater toilet. The side-by-siders can be emptied individually or in a single 2.6-gallon-saving flush. With a "privacy wall" and LCD television and iPod docking station add-ons, couples (and, perhaps, just good friends) will enjoy doing double duty for Planet Earth. About $1400; WiseRep

For the Harley fan:

(This year give the gift that says, "When I see handlebars in unusual places, I think of you.)

Rev up the bath with this motorcycle-inspired faucet, which has handlebar-style hot and cold water valves, and a spigot that resembles a fuel tank. The brass and chrome surfaces are treated with a "physical vapor disposition" process that strengthens the finish—good thing, in case some of your bike's grease leaves stains before you can wash your hands. About $400; Cycle Faucets

For Those on a Budget:

(Some things speak for themselves. This one says, "I haven't fired a neuron in years.")

It probably never occurred to you to decorate your toilet, but that's just because you didn't hear about Toilet Tattoos until now. These removable vinyl appliqués dress up the toilet seat with standard patterns such as leopard print, seasonal Santas and snowmen, or handy interactive charts for the toilet trainees of the house. About $10 each; Toilet Tattoos

For Those With More Money Than Brains:

('nuff said.......seriously. )Hewn from the rare Afghan Lapis Lazuli stone, this gem of a vessel sink retails for $75,000. There are two in existence—the company has sold one, but the one you see here is up for grabs. Just call Decolav and have your credit card ready. From Decolav

However, if you are still finding elusive that perfect ~~perk~~ *something* for that special ~~candidate~~ *someone*, then perhaps it's time to think "outside the box" and look beyond the material. Remember it takes a "village to raise a child", so this holiday season, when so many have done without for so long, perhaps it's a need to commune with your fellow man that is at the heart of your dilema.

In Search of: Mel Brooks

2007-11-21T16:29:00.000-05:00

Oh the things you find while looking for relevant snarkasms (to enhance your witty reparte') from Mel Brooks:

heh

Ha!

2007-11-21T07:33:00.000-05:00

Your Inner European is Italian!

Passionate and colorful.

You show the world what culture really is.

Who's Your Inner European?

anne's long descent into madness

2007-11-20T08:48:00.000-05:00

Well, it had to happen one day. Bob Herbert has finally driven one of his readers certifiably insane. We can only thank the Gods it wasn't one of us.

On a site subtitled "Grasping Reality With Both Hands", Brad deLong takes Herbert to task for a particularly asshatted op-ed in which The Hyperventilating One (in a virtuoso display of Anecdotal Science surpassing even the NY Times' elevated standard) urges the readership please to disregard the fact that none of the traditional economic measures fits the official definition, because Dahlinks... it sure "feels like" we're in a recession!

If it looks like a recession and feels like a recession....

... well then dagnabbit, align your chakras and break out the the Midol drip! Who needs annoying data, definitions or econometrics when you've got feeeeeeeelings, people!

While Mr. Bernanke and others are waiting for the official diagnosis (a decline in the gross domestic product for two successive quarters), the disease is spreading and has been spreading for some time...

Mr. Bernanke must be smarting from the sting of being publicly schooled by Dr. Bob Herbert (PhD Emotional Economics). But DeLong, the big brute, gives Herbert's rampant dumbassery bloody short shrift...

...The problem is not that middle America's incomes have been falling since 2000: the problem is that middle America's spending has been rising rapidly while incomes have not.

...and then catches Herbert in a real whopper:

[T]he most popular measure of inflation, the Consumer Price Index, does not include the cost of energy or food, “the two most significant aspects of the increased cost of living for the American people.

Yes, it does.

How has the New York Times managed to pick Bob Herbert out of the 75 million
liberal adults in America? It is a mystery.

But he is about to get his comeuppance. DeLong has yet to reckon with the intrepid anne in his comments section. The anneslaught begins with an oddly prescient comment:

I adore Bob Herbert, and am shocked that anyone would think to so denigrate his work and efforts. I have no reasonable words to describe how upset I am with such an attack by Brad DeLong.
Shame, shame, shame.
[Bob Herbert wants to claim that the word "recession" means something other
than it does: don't expect me to be happy with this. Bob Herbert wants to claim
that the CPI does not include food and energy costs: don't expect me to be happy with this. Bob Herbert wants to claim that statistics showing that inflation rates have been
low are "flimflam": don't expect me to be happy with this.

He [Ed. note: the antecedent is unclear, however we believe the Incandescent Anne meant Mr. DeLong] should care enough about accuracy to do better.]
Posted by: anne November 10th, 2007

Rude pig! How dare he question Bob Herbert of The New York Times? Of course people are spending more! Why... they have to drive clear across town to get to the nearest Whole ~~Paycheck~~ Foods!

Food matters, and high priced decent foods are a problem for poorer Americans.
Try finding a Whole Foods store in poorer neighborhoods, and affording it in any
case.... Posted by anne November 10th, 5:50 pm

Not to mention a Starbucks with a competent barrista! Ah, the plague of American poverty! Undaunted, anne soon goes on to make what may prove to be her strongest argument - a veritable of flurry and fugue of Bob-bits in several movements, crescendoing into a full-blown Herbertian Overture that soon prompts her beleaguered fellow commenters to sue for clemency:

Bob Herbert is an idiot.
Posted by: Howie
looks like it's gonna be the complete works of Bob H until we say uncle.
Posted by: Colin Danby November 10th 2 4:43 pm

But anne is not to be swayed by the quotidian dictates of logic, facts, or even the piteous whimpers of her fellow travellers in the reality based community. By the end of the discussion, having finally managed, in a Herculean feat of effort, to exceed the word count of an average VC post, she has achieved Shangri-La and is settling back to smoke a celebratory cigarette and wallow in the dubious delights of a MoDope column; a disgustingly orgiastic revel the details of which we shall not reveal on these family-friendly pages:

There is never a time when Bob Herbert is not writing what is socially useful, but understanding this takes the perspective of those most needy in America. Suggesting that Herbert is not being socially useful is disgraceful. I am shocked and angered and saddened.

Posted by: anne

Translation: "It's a poor thang. You filthy Chinese-toy-loving minions of the richest 1% couldn't possibly understand!!!" It is left to a fellow reader to deliver the valediction as the curtain falls:

Thank you, Anne.
One might wonder whether Herbert is as bad as Brad DeLong suggests, but by
posting so many of his columns in one place, you have really helped to answer
the question.
He's much worse.

We can only nod in silent agreement and hope there is nothing more absurd in heaven and earth than the prospect of Bob Herbert lecturing us about the U.S. economy.

A Caption Contest

2007-11-17T00:29:00.000-05:00

To commemorate the first issuance of the Frilly Panties of Oppression award, we offer a contest! The winner, or winners, will be granted a reprieve from that day's ration of vile snarkasm -- unless we feel that you are taking advantage of our magnanimity and your very temporary status. Then, the leather gloves (black, supple........smooooth as a baby's bottom.......very nice) are off, and we will (without a doubt) feel the need (a strong and undeniable need) to make up for any (and most likely all) previously pardoned snarkasm.

Mitches and Bitches, hit us with your best shots.

Leona's softer side

2007-11-16T21:46:00.000-05:00

yes..I have one. shut up about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nNsOWD0y_A

I could not ask for more and that just kills me.

And I'm already dead.

Damnit.

So..I'm Leona Heelsly

2007-11-16T18:43:00.000-05:00

and if you haven't heard of me before..I want to know why???!!!
Where have you been?
I'm damned famous and I am the Queen of Mean. I am bitchy and I am FAB-U-LOUS.
Trust me.
I want to start a category here at Something Bitchy..."Bitch or Mitch of the Week"
For those who don't know, Mitch is the male version of Bitch. Man-Bitch=Mitch.
Men do have their bitchy side too and we should celebrate everyone who takes their inner-cat out for a walk every now and again.
It's a healthy thing, at least that's what I pay my therapist to tell me.

So...every week, I will take nominations for Bitch or Mitch of the Week. On Fridays, I will announce the winner for the week. Vote like a democrat, my darlings...early and often. If you have a particular favorite, sucking up is encouraged (if not outright required) to win.

What does winning get you? Nothing. Well, maybe a Midol but it is more likely that I will send you a fuzzy tic-tac from the bottom of my purse. Still..it is my purse that the tic-tac comes from, dahling...it's worth it.

Carry on.

In the meantime, I think I'll focus my queenly, laser like attention on Medea Benjamin, that misguided, gnomish little fool who thinks wearing pink and beating a spirit drum makes her special.
Dear little Medea...we have so much to discuss...starting with your decision to wear pink.
Were you raised by transgendered wolves?
tsk..tsk..tsk...
I think we'll start with soap and a good deodorant..AND where did you get that foam rubber tiara??? Didn't your wardrobe assistant tell you that tiaras without bling are not tiaras?
sigh......
I see I have my work cut out for me.
Get.the.scissors.

News You Can Lose

2007-11-16T08:57:00.001-05:00

The Associated Press. Because accuracy is always Job One on those really important news stories:

In a Nov. 13 story, The Associated Press incorrectly reported that Paris Hilton was praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India.

Lest you become mildly bored the next time you and your Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs should find yourselves alone on a stretch of deserted beach...

An Australian man took off his underpants to blindfold a 5ft crocodile he found on a popular beach. Jimmy Howard wanted to calm down the saltwater crocodile and says his red pants were all he had to hand.

The male of the species is endlessly inventive, a fact for which we women remain ever so thankful.

Oh! those naughty seniors! Somehow I think this falls under the heading of TMI:

Nursing home infidelity bittersweet but common

On the other hand, in the context of Alzheimers, this story may have breathed a disturbing new life into the excuse "She didn't mean a thing to me, sweetie".

Up here in the 'hood, ma peeps be wicked jammin'.... Word.

No wonder American prisons are overcrowded.

Schadenfreude alert. I suppose it would be bitchy to snicker?

Consumer advocate and three-time presidential candidate Ralph Nader sued the Democratic Party on Tuesday for conspiring to prevent him from running for president in 2004. The lawsuit was filed on behalf of Nader, his vice presidential running mate Peter Miguel Camejo and a group of voters from several states. It names as co-defendants the Kerry-Edwards campaign, the Service Employees International Union, private law firms, and organizations like the Ballot Project and America Coming Together that were created to promote voter turnout on behalf of the Democratic ticket. According to the lawsuit the defendants used “groundless and abusive litigation” to bankrupt Ralph Nader’s campaign and force him off the ballot in 18 states.

We are joined in the firehouse studio here in New York by public interest attorney Carl Mayer, whom the New York Times has described as "a populist crusader and maverick lawyer." We tried reaching the Democratic National Committee and some of the other defendants to invite them to the show but received no response.

Think your office is small? Think again.

Looks like the compassion for Conservatives movement I noted the other day is gaining ground. Perhaps a truly progressive cure can finally be found for this horrible affliction...

A mandatory University of Delaware program requires residence hall students to acknowledge that "all whites are racist" and offers them "treatment" for any incorrect attitudes regarding class, gender, religion, culture or sexuality they might hold upon entering the school.

Then again, perhaps the pathology runs too deep. Let's face it -- despite the reality-based community's well-known respect for diversity and tolerance (which includes their avowed commitment to eschew discriminatory, perjorative, or demeaning labels) we all know the wingnuts are sick, sick people with deeply entrenched psychosexual issues:

"A RACIST: A racist is one who is both privileged and socialized on the basis of race by a white supremacist (racist) system. The term applies to all white people (i.e., people of European descent) living in the United States, regardless of class, gender, religion, culture or sexuality."

And: "By this definition, people of color cannot be racists, because as peoples within the U.S. system, they do not have the power to back up their prejudices, hostilities, or acts of discrimination."

Might as well face facts.

Nothin' says lovin' like a rocket from the oven. Happy holidays, y'all.

An Ode to the Sexes

2007-11-15T22:24:00.000-05:00

A Woman's Love Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair,
Opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows how to answer "How big is my behind?"
I pray this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A Man's Love Poem

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give shite.

It's Rick James Friday at SB!

2007-11-15T17:37:00.000-05:00

It's Friday! Had a long week at work? Feeling a bit... stressed out?

Fear not, sports fans. You know you can count on your girl Pointy-toed Jackboots to bring da funk:

Some of those Army poseurs just don't have it goin' on when it comes to interservice rivalry. Valour IT, indeed...

It's spelled U. S. M. C., baybeeeeeeee. Now let's get this party started.

A Veritable Tsunami of Stupid

2007-11-12T17:30:00.000-05:00

To think it took Al Gore to bring the formidable power of anecdotal science to bear on the dumbing down of our public schools:

... It's a bit like the melting of the polar ice caps. Sure, there's been alarmist data about it for years, but until you see it for yourself, the deep visceral dread doesn't really hit home.

He cites studies, reports, hard data, from the appalling effects of television on child brain development (i.e.; any TV exposure before 6 years old and your kid's basic cognitive wiring and spatial perceptions are pretty much scrambled for life), to the fact that, because of all the insidious mandatory testing teachers are now forced to incorporate into the curriculum, of the 182 school days in a year, there are 110 when such testing is going on somewhere at Oakland High.

... But most of all, he simply observes his students, year to year, noting all the obvious evidence of teens' decreasing abilities when confronted with even the most basic intellectual tasks, from understanding simple history to working through moderately complex ideas to even (in a couple recent examples that particularly distressed him) being able to define the words "agriculture," or even "democracy." Not a single student could do it.

It gets worse. My friend cites the fact that, of the 6,000 high school students he estimates he's taught over the span of his career, only a small fraction now make it to his grade with a functioning understanding of written English. They do not know how to form a sentence. They cannot write an intelligible paragraph. Recently, after giving an assignment that required drawing lines, he realized that not a single student actually knew how to use a ruler.

It is, in short, nothing less than a tidal wave of dumb, with once-passionate, increasingly exasperated teachers like my friend nearly powerless to stop it. The worst part: It's not the kids' fault. They're merely the victims of a horribly failed educational system.

In truth, the magnitude of this crisis is nearly impossible to understate. What goes without saying (but requires a professional journalist to relate to us) is that the stunning powerlessness of virtually everyone involved should shock and horrify every American. Because it's not the kids' fault. They are, of course, "victims of a horribly failed system", and their teachers are "nearly powerless" to stop the tsunami of stupid.

But one really feels for the parents in this heartbreaking situation. Not only are they the first generation to produce offspring even dumber than their forebears; but to add insult to injury, somehow the vast majority of them have yet to notice their high school aged darlings can neither form a sentence nor write an intelligible paragraph. It must be absolute hell to be so smart and well educated, yet manage to raise functionally illiterate teens without it raising so much as a blip on your personal radar screen.

Faced with a nonsequitur of such monumental proportions, we here at home can only wring our hands helplessly and ask the obvious question:

Durnitall, who forgot to pay the *&^%$ attention bill again?

Fortunately, the solution - like the problem - is obvious to any thinking (let alone educated) human being. Obviously, this is yet another area where the harvesting of foetal stem cells is likely to prove efficacious:

Isn't that why almost all creative and artistic people are uniformly liberal and Democratic?

Because their brains are still healthy and functioning. Isn't it about time that we stop pretending that a political point of view twisted by mental illness, is just as legitimate as one informed by a healthy brain? Does anybody still doubt, after watching Bush's lies and behavior, that the man is sick and mentally impaired? When do we finally admit the problem, or do we have to keep invading more countries for no rational reason? How many people have to die before we admit there is a real problem that requires medical treatment?

My purpose in exposing this disease is NOT to simply ridicule conservatives, but to suggest that there may indeed be some sort of treatment that could be found. Stem cell research is a very promising field that could ultimately save our nation from political lunacy. But before we can find that treatment, before we can return to sanity, as a society we need to acknowledge the problem and get help. This needs to become a national priority. People shouldn't be ashamed of being conservative, anymore than they should be ashamed if they had meningitis or water on the brain.

Indeed. Next to Stupidity and Ignorance, Hatred and Intolerance of The Other pose the greatest danger to the freedoms we hold dear. Once again, modern science shows us the enlightened path. Now more than ever, it is imperative to cast off the primitive shackles of organized religion with its antediluvian emphasis on outdated notions of morality and ethics, harvest the cells of dysfunctional thinkers, and use them to create model citizens whose thoughts are more in line with progressive, humanistic values.

Only then can we guarantee that the only people allowed to exercise their Constitutional rights will be those who express support for the right kind of ideas.